Why My Faith Broke Down

I've Struggled this year. I'm still struggling. I'm fearful. I worry. I've found myself laughing because I realize that I'm just like Aunt Josephine on series of unfortunate events. She is the woman who is worried about everything all the way down to standing in front of the fridge because it could crush you flat. But it really isn't funny-it's frustrating, even angering.

All of this has come from spiritual growth, but now I've hit a wall that is incredibly hard to get over. In previous days my faith in God was challenging at points as it should be in every Christians life, but was easy in the respect that I could claim that no matter what I faced God was there and he will protect me because He wants what is best for me. However, the string on which my faith was hanging, was me. My faith centered around me. My idea of God's best interest was that he would keep me safe and I would be happy no matter what. Because of this kind of faith I was fearless. It was as though God was my impenetrable shield that would let nothing through.

I cannot pinpoint a time at which the first piece of this trust chipped away, but I can tell you that it didn't take long for the entire thing to fall apart. Somewhere in my Bible studying I came to realize that God doesn't offer us impenetrable shields. He doesn't offer us happiness, comfortable lives, and safety for our loved ones.

When I stopped to look at the world around me I saw murder of Christians, starvation, destitution, and sadness. I, like the average American Christian had to stop and struggle intensely with why my God was not being to them what I thought he was being to me-that happiness, comfortable, shield machine?

Then I had to stop again and put the pieces together. God is not that kind of God around me and he is not that kind of God in the Bible, so he must not be that kind of God to me. But why? I took this question to my wise husband saying "isn't God supposed to be my refuge and my strength (Psalm 46:1)?" He said: "How can God be a refuge if there is no trouble?" The end of that verse says "a very present help in trouble." That means that I must experience difficulty!

So in my self-centered mindset I asked myself once again, what about those who are being killed for their faith around the world right now? Why is he not protecting them? I've once again overlooked a word. "Strength." Why would we need strength unless we were going to experience difficulty?

Another verse that comes to mind is Romans 8:31"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-man than that, who was raised-who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?" This sounds great right? This is the part we remember. God will give us all things! He will give us that safety and happiness, right? Wong. Lets not forget the end of this section:

"Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, 'For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels no rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

This is the Good that God has to give to us! It is his love. His love is what sent Jesus to the cross, His love is what has given us grace and mercy. This verse tells us that we will be hurt, killed, and condemned, but it doesn't matter because we have Christs love.

I'm not meant to be safe. Sure God might grant me that, but its not his duty. My faith is to be based on the fact that I have Salvation-that is the ultimate protection and no one can take that from me. So the verse "The lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me (Psalm 118:6)?" does not mean that I can't be hurt, but it does mean that man cannot take what is most precious-my salvation and the love of God.

I will have troubles everyday. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:34). God knows that its enough for us to trust him on a daily basis.

Just remember God does not promise to keep you and your loved ones safe, but he does promise you eternal salvation if you've put your trust in him. So please, stop telling your children that God promises to keep them safe because He doesn't. Instead, encourage them to stand strong in their faith despite the turbulent waters knowing that even in death they cannot be separated from the love of Christ if they have accepted Him as Savior. I believe it is this idea that will raise up a generation of strong Christians. Christians whose faith does not waver when things in life don't go the way they want them to. Christians who don't worry about every single little thing because they already know that life isn't a piece of cake and God isn't going to make it that way for them.


-Sincerely, not perfect and still struggling with this myself.

A Year Worth Remembering

2014 was probably the best year of my married life-it was full of growth, new experiences, blessings, and lots of fun. Before my mind is clouded by new memories made in 2015 here is what happened month by month this past year:

January:
-We didn't have too many fun events in January because it was mostly full of support raising and office work.
-Steven and I started vlogging and though that may not seem like anything big, it has become a daily part of our routine and a fun way for us to record our memories.

February:
-We held our first teen winter retreat and loved the experience of putting the event together and spending time with the teens.
-After the winter retreat I went to Splash Lagoon with my family for a fun two days of water activities.
-We traveled back to our home town to doing some puppet judging for the puppet team we used to be a part of in high school.
-We had two of Steven's friends over for a few days-one all the way from England!

March:
-The very beginning of this month started with a trip to Chicago! It was so fun to be back in our first home (though I'm glad we don't live there anymore).
-We started taking some CEF classes (specifically TCE 1)
-We spoke at our first missions conference and got to meet some really great people!

April:
-We went back to our hometown to watch some of our friends put on a puppet dinner theater.
-We spent Easter weekend with family and had our annual egg painting-it was the first time we got to be together for the Holiday since we got married in 2010.

May:
-We went all the way down to North Carolina for a week long CEF conference. This was a big highlight in my year because it was such a huge spiritual encouragement that set my sights back on the importance of prayer. It was powerful enough that it stuck with me all through the year!
-I got to go home to celebrate my birthday with family.

June:
-In the beginning of June we went camping with some friends and family which we do every year-tis lots of fun.
-Right from camping we traveled a million hours up to Boston to attend my cousins wedding-it was probably one of, if not my favorite wedding I have ever attended.
-Then began CEF training school for the teens. We taught the support track class for the first time and really enjoyed it!

July:
- We went back to our hometown to celebrate the 4th of July with our family. Food and fireworks always equal fun.
-Then began our long summer of driving teens around to 5-Day Clubs.
-My family came up to visit us for a day which is always nice.

August:
-Along with driving teens to clubs we also manned a booth at the Butler County Farm Show.
-A friend of Steven's came to stay for a week.
-We celebrated our 4th anniversary (which we didn't actually do anything for because we were going somewhere super exciting in November)
-We were the child care at a Christian retreat-which was more like a getaway than work.

September:
-We went to Lewistown, PA for a CEF retreat which was a nice relaxing couple of days.
-We went back to our hometown again to celebrate Steven's birthday super early with his family because we were going away for the next couple months.
-We left for Children's Ministries Institute in Missouri. Our departure contains a fairly amusing story. For some reason we thought that we were supposed to be there on a Friday so we were going to take our time getting there and leave on Thursday. So here we are on Wednesday night, already in bed (I was already asleep) and Steven shakes me awake and says "Kayla, I think we are supposed to be there tomorrow!" So after confirming that this was true, we bolted out of bed at 11pm on Wednesday night and finished packing the car (thankfully I had been on the ball and packed pretty much everything that day). So poor Steven drove all night (except for an hour when He was so tired we stopped in a Walmart parking lot and He slept). Good times.

October:
-This month was entirely consumed with classes and homework. I found myself surprisingly enjoying it despite not wanting to go in the first place.
-My parents and brother came out to visit us because my dad also had CEF classes that week (perks of working for the same ministry).
-Steven turned 24-crazy!

November:
-We finally got to go home!
-We had our first Butler County CEF banquet and were blessed by all the support that we received!
-Now for the biggest highlight of the year! We went to Europe! After years of thinking/praying about it and months of planning it, we finally got to go. It was such a God thing the way that everything lined up and came together. We started out in London, flew to Rome, Flew to Thessaloniki and staed with some missionary friends, flew to Israel and stayed with another friend, flew to Romania and stayed with my cousin, flew back to London, and then finally flew home! It was a two week whirlwind trip that I will never forget!

December:
-The second week of our Europe trip went into December and we flew home on the 6th.
-We went back to our hometown for Christmas and New Years and had a great time as always, soaking up all the fun that the Holidays have to offer.

As you can see it was a year worth remembering! I'm so blessed and so thankful for all that God has allowed me to do.